Dawnguard: Adventures in Babysitting

I certainly took my sweet time 'finishing' Skyrim. I know you can't truly ever finish the game, but I just recently completed the main quest line, after some 350 hours of play.

What can I say? I meander.

Once I completed that I was able to turn my attention to new and wonderful adventures, such as "Skyrim: Dawngard".

It was refreshing to experience a new and darker side of Skyrim, although it has to be said it felt slightly forced. I had not actually run into too many vampires during my travels, and to hear there was a horrific ongoing plague that I had missed somehow seemed a little odd. Well, whichever. I'm no friend to vampires and so this was an unanticipated killing spree I could get behind!

On the whole 'Dawngourd' was a bit pear-shaped. I didn't appreciate the forced escourt character. I thought the mood and storyline was all over the place. And ultimately, the ending was shite. But it had its moments, and that's why I can say it was worth the money and time.

Dawnguard has already earned its keep with the (on again off again) dark mood, the jumpscares, and the flora and fauna additions. I don't think it's a spoiler to say that you are ultimately presented a choice dichotomy: to join the vampire-killing Dawnguard, to become a vampire.  I already was a werewolf, and chose against becoming a vampire for reasons manifold, so I can't really talk much about the new and wonderful skill tree for vamps and werewolves.

Lamely, I have actually been trying to roleplay my character as originally intended, and attempting not to stray too much into 'evil' territory. I've not done the Thieves Guild quests, and I genocided the Dark Brotherhood (that's not evil that's righteous! :0 ). However satisfying wholesale slaughter in the name of good feels, it does mean I'll have to go through and replay everything with a differently aligned character. Le sigh! I suppose real life must be pushed aside for Skyrim adventures for another 300 hours. Duty calls.

DAWNGUARD

You want pics? I got yer pics. You want plot? Well... I wasn't really paying too much attention, and it wanders somewhat. And I know wandering.

Spoilers to follow after the jump.

You start off by being hassled by some random encounters with vampires. You find them useful for their sexy armor and boss boots. You're told to go see some cool guy about killing vampires. NO PROB. You can do this in your sleep. What's killing puny leeches when you've saved the damn WORLD ten times over?

Basically you're to decide if you want to fight alongside the Dawngard - the crack squad of roughneck vigilantes who police Skyrim killing vampires and vamp sympathizers, or instead join the Volkihar Clan - a shadowy nest of vampires, and become a creature of the night. You sell your soul, but get cool perks in return. So it's that 'no right answer' solution to a problem. Great.

However you choose, beware - your gaming friends CAN AND WILL JUDGE YOU based on your selection. (Remember that whole 'you killed Paarthurnax' thing? Yeah...    You absolute scum.)

Epic Cool Guy Isran

It doesn't get cooler than Isran. He made the whole damn thing.

Like a cross between Morpheus from The Matrix, and Halo's Sergeant Johnson, Isran Vampire Slayer is ruff and gruff and unready to love. Even his beard is epic.
Anyway, he sends you on missions to snuff out the vampires once and for all. And you'll never be good enough. NEVER.

Spooktacular missions...!! wooooOOOooOoOOooo

Eventually you run into a mysterious woman.

Serana

I hope you get along, because she's your arranged bride for the duration of the game. Seriously. You will be shackled to this bint the whole way. 

Great. Just great.

Serana's presence doesn't seem to bother everybody. I guess it's just me. But Bethesda must have given her their 'dog AI', because I've not encountered a more pestersome NPC since that unfortunate decision of owning a dog for 5 minutes a couple of years ago. Serana was constantly wandering around me, nudging me, and STANDING between me and any action. Anytime I wanted a screenshot, she'd force her stupid duckface in there and flash a peace-sign. 

I couldn't even have a conversation with people because she'd butt in.

NewsFlash: It's not ALL ABOUT YOU SERANA!

Jeez.

Between her whining insistence, attention seeking, and her 'victimhood', I got the feeling I had become a severely underpaid nursemaid rather than someone tasked with saving the world from an underworld menace.

The kicker? The main quest tasks you with RETURNING HER TO HER PARENTS.

If that ain't babysitting, I don't know what is.

In retaliation, I was constantly risking her by walking close to high waterfalls, letting her take on mobs by herself, 'accidentally' shooting her, and constantly looking for opportunities to dismiss her.

Eventually, she becomes petulant and when you suggest you two should part ways for a bit she folds her arms and declares "I disagree." and refuses to go. OH MY GOD:

It has to be said the hardship has brought me and my original follower Priestess Aranea closer together than ever before. I appreciate her subtle charms and reserved nature. She's powerful, she's quiet, and most of all, she HANGS THE F*CK BACK. I often forget she's there, until she saves my ass from the shadows.

Thanks, Aranea! <3

Sup girl. Elves look out for elves, noimsayin?

In summation, Serana = NO.

Further, was I the only one who was a little surprised to find a hugeass CASTLE where there wasn't one before? I KNOW I searched that coastline....

What the.... When did this get here?

Rather than deliver the blow-by-blow of the whole dang storyline, I'll list things I thought were AWESOME and SHITTY. M'kay?


AWESOME

This guy.

The vampires themselves were kinda awesome. Somewhat.
I like Lord Harkon's style. I wish I had seen more of him. Just because I chose to side against him doesn't mean I shouldn't hear a whisper from him until the very end! In fact quite the opposite! Silly to waste your bad guy like that. He had a lot of potential, but as a Dawnguard you see none of that, and you only get his shithead daughter instead. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Damn Goliath, You Scary!

Gargoyles were alarming!! Menacing factor of 10, and you're never sure if they were going to burst into attack or not. Yie.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Goggies! I'm not even a dog person, and I found the Huskies to be several multitudes of kawaii. What made them even better was not having them along. I didn't take them with me, but always said hi when I got back. I never did buy an armored Troll. Screw 'em. I kill Trolls, I don't put 'em in party dresses and take 'em to the Ball.

Tag Team Dragon Action

Two dragons ARE better than one! This quest with the dragon twins on the frozen lake was probably the BEST PART of Dawnguard. I can say this with confidence. It was novel, fresh, exciting, challenging, and unexpected. FINALLY.

Does this bumble bounce?

I literally gasped when I came upon this guy. And then I crowed when I discovered he was a Frost Giant! How freaking cool is that? I haven't seen them outside this location though, which sucks. I wistfully hope to see them free-ranging in the mountains of Skyrim, although I ain't holdin' my breath.

So pretty! So peaceful. I could have stayed here the whole time and been ok.

There were various overlong quests into strange new locations. The other-worldliness of the places was well conceived and executed. I really felt like I had been transported to distant lands of unknowable mystery, and unspeakable dark.

This was one.

This was another.

The Soul of Cairns was at once lonely and hopeless, and the Darkfall Passage was unnerving, alien, and I am not too much of a man to admit I was ascairt. Like a little baby.

The interactive flora was an unique touch that I played with endlessly. That's probably what made the quests take longer than they should have....
But while we're on the subject, Bethesda, regarding one new item in particular - I'm sure your art team could have done better than this:

Seriously? We'll just call this the "Can'tBeArsed Blossom"

And now, the part I enjoy the most.

SHITTY

Where to begin?
My dissatisfaction with Dawnguard was almost exclusively the fault of Serana (or my own failings, possibly). And the fact that the storyline felt more like the usual escort mission grind than anything to do with saving the world, anything to do with Skyrim, or even anything to do with your character personally.

.......  Serana, this crossbow is made especially for those boob openings. GET OUT of my face.
Wait, why does armor even HAVE boob openings?? Seems a bit of a design flaw.

Perhaps I'm being unfair.
TOO BAD.

Shall we continue?

Fort Dawnguard could use a woman's touch.

Fort Dawnguard, your base of operations as a ... Dawnguardian? is quite bleak. Bleaky bleak. Bleaker than Lord Harkon's, actually. What's up with that? Why we gotta live in a shithole? A feeling of being 'elite' is generally good for morale for fighting men. But this fort makes us feel the opposite of elite. We're schmucks. Schmucks sleeping on lice-infested strawpiles.
Can't you hire someone to pick up the place? There is literally a CAMP OF DEFENSELESS PEOPLE that is forced to live outside the fort and isn't allowed in. Why not? They could clean. They could cook. What is the problem here?
I don't get it.

This was fun until it wasn't.

Soul of Cairns. Is there a plane of existence that is less welcoming? No. It's very creepy and atmospheric. For like, the first hour. And then it's monotonous and interminable. I was glad when I got out of there.

Out of the frying pan, into the fire my lovelies!

I'm glad you're all dead.

I'm not the most patient gamer. It's problematic. But I know I'm not the only one who felt that the Snow Elf / Falmer quest went on FOOOOOOORRRRREEEEEEEVVVVEEEEEEERRRRRR....

It was endless. After a time, you forget your name, your parents' faces, and all sense of purpose. Why am I here again? What's going on? Do I REALLY have to look this hundredth chest? Falmer? Snow elves? What? I don't even care anymore. I am apathetic to Serana and her shitty family. They can go ahead and blot out the sun like Mr. Burns or WHATEVER the hell it is they want. Fine. Let them have at it.
I give up.
You bested me with longevity. You bested an ELF with longevity. Bravo to you sirs. Bravo.

There is quite a contrast between all of Skyrim and this add on. Skyrim I savoured and didn't rush to complete. Dawnguard... I wanted to shoot myself to end the pain.

Further:

I'll let this speak for itself.

Great. It all came down to Daddy Issues.

Wonderful. Thank you very fucking much, Bethesda.
I officially hate you.

Thank goodness it only took 5 seconds to kill this dude.
Slightly anticlimactic. Slightly? It was VERY anticlimactic.
I got the shitty bow that everyone was breathless about throughout the story, and it turns out to be not that great. I put it in a trunk somewhere to never use again.

While rampaging through Lord Hakron's castle and butchering the inhabitants I realized that the vampire contingent seemed to have had it MUCH BETTER than we did over at Fort Dawnguard. Plush surroundings; velvets and golds. Good food and warm fires. Rollicking festivities, and fireplace-lit libraries filled with magical volumes of wisdom. The torture rooms were especially enviable.

I realized I had joined the wrong side, and I had wasted my time.

*****